Ancient Square-Wheeled Bicycle Discovered In Great Wall Archeological Dig

Everyone know the bicycle has been ubiquitous in China for decades, with brands such as the “Flying Pigeon” almost legendary in their scope of vast numbers of users. Yet although the bicycle is commonly believed to have originated in Europe in the 19th century, recent excavations near to the Great Wall at Simatai close to Beijing may give this hallowed vehicle a much earlier date of invention – the Xin Dynasty of China of nearly 2000 years ago.

A unique, square-wheeled bicycle has been discovered by a local, while out tending his animals. Mr. Zhuge Liang, a 64 year old Pig Farming native of Simatai, tells us exclusively that “While I was out herding my Pigs, I trod on some soft earth and plummeted into a large cavern. There, laying amongst centuries of dirt and mud, was an old rusty object.  I pulled it out and lo and behold it was a type of bicycle. It even had a bell. But the wheels were strange, square shaped yet you could still make out what it was”. 

Mr. Zhuge contacted the Department of Antique Bi-Pedallatry (part of the Ministry of Transport Antiquity) in Beijing  who sent specialists over to examine the artifact. They confirmed its ancestry as being the same as that of the Great Wall. Common theory dictates that normal bicycles, which apart from not being invented for another 1,800 years, would not have been able to use the Great Wall due to the thousands of steps that make up its length.

Sir. Percy Haddock, the ex Governor of Hong Kong (distantly related to Captain Haddock of Marlinspike fame) is himself a bicycle expert having arranged to narrowly miss them on a daily basis in his chauffer driven Bentley during the British colonial era. Sir Percy stated, in “Bicycle Life” last month “This is a real find. A square wheeled bicycle would have been perfect for navigating the square cut steps of the Great Wall. One could have pedaled along at maybe 20 candereens an hour in good weather. The Mongolians and their horses wouldn’t have had a chance against such sophisticated transportation.” 

Chinese experts are examining the bicycle amidst popular cries for its return. “Anywhere with steps would find this ancient Chinese invention a blessing” said Luigi Pontificato of the Pisa Monocycle company. “It just shows that ancient Chinese often knew more than we give them credit for. I can imagine square wheeled bicycling up steps becoming an Olympic sport in time”.

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